August 31, 2026

Today was my first day back to work since my maternity leave started in January and we lost Archer in March.

Deciding when to go back was a challenge in itself. With feelings of “moving on” too fast, and my own need for structure and purpose. Apprehension about how my office & team will be working alongside them again. And how interacting with my growers will go.

Up until this point I’ve been mostly able to control when and where and who I am around – where I know what to expect in terms of questions and behaviour. Going back to work means less control over that, and has definitely increased my anticipation anxiety.

I think I’m most scared of people pretending nothing happened and that I’m the same person that left in January.

Archer was born, he existed, he lived. And then he died. And I am still here, doing the best I can, in a world that doesn’t make sense or seem fair anymore.

The drive to work was much harder than I expected it to be. With lots of guilt around “moving on”. But I try to remind myself in these moments – that it’s not moving on, it’s moving forward. But that doesn’t always help either.